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Prescription for a Bad Day
For all of you who
occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on
someone...Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was
sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely
said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?
"Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
(She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.) After I hung up with
Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled,
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote
the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd
answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me
up.
Later in the year
the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment
for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an
idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello. "I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is
to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.[Keep reading, it gets better.]The
old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move
and she started to very slowly back out of the lot. I backed up a little
more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle
in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn
and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass,
there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted
for another place to park.
A couple of days later,
I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had jus gotten off the phone after calling
823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him
now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number
of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better
call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802
West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.
"I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time
to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell
you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone
down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For
awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem
I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses
and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I
gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First,
I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said,
"Are you still there? "I said, "Yeah. "He said, "Stop calling me. "I said,
"No." He said, "What's your name, Pal? "I said, "Don Hansen. "He said "Where
do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and
I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.He answered, "Hello. "I said, "Hello,
Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll
kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told
them I was at1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay
lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the
gang war going on down W.34th Street. After that I climbed into my car
and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you
want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
Editor's Note: I originally received this
as an e-mail, undoubtedly passed along many times. As I found that it did
brighten my day to go back and read it again, I edited onto an HTML page
to pass along to my friends. Pass this along to those you know too. Just
in case they don't need it today, it's a safe prescription that they can
always go back to and any addictive qualities are mostly harmless.
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